Random Jokes

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Letter From Osama

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service.....

Eventually they asked Canada's RCMP for help.

They cabled the White House: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a light bulb?

The answer is TEN:
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed.
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either: "For changing the light bulb or for darkness."
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb.
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a stepladder under the banner "Light Bulb Change Accomplished."
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally "in the dark."
8. One to viciously smear #7.
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along.
10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet Me halfway on this. You gotta buy a ticket!�

Late-Night Jokes about "President" Bush:

The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News. - Craig Kilborn
Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it's different � his magic number is 5. That�s the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win. - Jay Leno
There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since�President Bush.- David Letterman
A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month. - Jay Leno
President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges."- Jay Leno
There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots. - David Letterman

This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off.
One day his wife came home with a diamond necklace.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that from?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo"
The next night she came home with a mink coat.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that from?"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo"
The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that from"
His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things from! Go upstairs and set my bath for me!!"
His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub.
The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?"
The guy replied: "I didn't want to wet your bingo card"

The following ad in The Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.

Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old Black Labrador retriever. Men are so easy!

For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

A man was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan."What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it", she replies.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" "Your horse phoned."

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

Google Bomb!
Check it out: Go to google.com, and type in: miserable failure
Don't hit enter or click on the "Google Search" Button. Click on the "I'm feeling lucky" button (beside the "Google Search" Button.How this happens: It's called a Google Bomb. If you want to know how it's done, click here.

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling..

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

Jungle Poker

Why didn't the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?
Because there were too many cheetahs.

Woman 1: My husband's going to a casino in central Asia.
Woman 2: Tibet?
Woman 1: Of course, why else would he go!

What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?In a casino, you really mean it!

A woman gets home, schreeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband says, "Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

The wife yells back, "I couldn't care less... just get the hell out!"

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance. "This is a very smart dog." the man commented. "Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

"That rotten husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is now paid up for six months!"

Cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost big and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket... if he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

He decides to get even with the cabbie, so he gets in to the first cab in line. He asks the driver how much it would cost to go to the airport . The reply is $15. The man then asks, "How much extra would it be for oral sex with the ride?" The cabbie is incensed and says to the man, "Get the hell out of my cab. I am not that kind."

The man gets out of the first cab and gets into the next one in line and asks the same questions with the same result. He proceeds to do the same for all the cabs in the line until he gets to the cab driven by the guy who treated him badly the last time in town.

He gets into the cab and asks "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie responds,"$15". The man says, "It's a deal. Let's go." As the cab is pulling out and passing the other cabs in line, the man is in the back seat smiling and giving the thumbs up sign to all the other cabbies.

Ladder to Success

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into theclouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached acloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success" she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the nextcloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightlyeasier on the eye.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success" she said."Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on".

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, wasquite attractive.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought tohimself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot

."Take me now or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, hedecided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!"

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar West Virginia State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

The best bet for a player to make is what is called a "Mind Bet" You stand behind the game watch the action and attempt to predict the winner. You never bet any real money you only bet in your mind. Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.

Fridays in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.
Devil: Why are you so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Tab. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...?
Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die -- you're already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place!
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No.
Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays

Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence.

"Tommy," said his teacher. "I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half."

Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, "You lose."

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week at Foxwoods.The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy said "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore penis and a butt full of quarters."

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner.
And the bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"
The man thinks about the question for a bit and asks the bum,
"If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No, says the bum."
The man then asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar are you going to use it to gamble?"
"No, says the bum."
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me
"So I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble "

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